Lately, it feels like everywhere you look, someone’s preaching about gratitude. From podcasters to mindfulness coaches and even TikTok wellness girlies, everyone’s singing its praises, reminding us how cultivating a spirit of gratitude can help you manifest the life of your dreams.
But while they’re all right – practising gratitude truly does boost your health, build resilience, and ease anxiety and stress – studies show that more and more Black women, especially those who’ve had the privilege of a good education, ample resources, and the power of choice, are increasingly falling into what psychologists call a “gratitude trap.”
Let me explain.
What Is The Gratitude Trap?
This past holiday season, my sister and I sat on the couch, discussing how we wanted to level up in 2025. We set some big goals: career growth, fitness gains, and being more intentional about the energy we bring to our relationships.
Then she got real.
“I’m just so over my job,” she admitted. “It’s boring, there’s no room to grow, and I feel like I’m just wasting my time.”
Before I could respond, my mum interjected, “Girl, you should be grateful you even have a job! Didn’t you just get a raise in the last six months? Whose boss gives out a $200 Christmas bonus in this economy? People out here are struggling to make ends meet, and you’re complaining? Be grateful!”
My sister went quiet, guilt and shame sinking in as my mum’s words landed.
But that moment stuck with me. Was my sister grateful for her job? Absolutely. But does that mean she isn’t allowed to want more?
That’s the essence of the gratitude trap.
It is the idea that we can’t be both grateful for what we have and unsatisfied at the same time.
It’s the trap that keeps us, especially as Black women, feeling small, paralyzed with guilt and shame for daring to want more, and so we end up shrinking and apologizing for taking up space.
From home to the office, we fade into the background under the weight of misplaced gratitude. At work, we feel grateful for having a boss who pays us on time, rewards us with promotions, and allows us to support ourselves financially. So when they dismiss our ideas or overlook our contributions, we swallow the hurt and remind ourselves to feel grateful.
At home, we’re grateful for supportive husbands, healthy kids, and houses in good neighborhoods. But too often, that gratitude comes at a steep cost: tolerating mistreatment, being unappreciated, and carrying relentless burdens without complaint.
In the name of “gratitude,” we continue to erase our dreams and desires, over-accommodate everyone else while often neglecting ourselves, and apologize for ever wanting more than we have.
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Honestly, how many Black women have you seen overcompensating for their success by shrinking and bending over backward for others (especially when they’re the breadwinner in the family)?
How many times have you heard your mother, aunt, or older cousin told that they ought to be grateful for everything they have?
And how many times has society reminded us as Black people that we’ve come a long way and thus should be grateful for it instead of continuing to “complain” or “victimize” ourselves?
This is the dark side of gratitude—the reductive, minimizing, shameful, and guilt-ridden side—that all these wellness influencers and self-proclaimed self-help gurus don’t talk about enough.
This is the other sharp cutting edge of an otherwise super-powerful and transformative practice that we too often silence for fear of tarnishing gratitude’s flawless reputation.
Yet, it is a side that we desperately need to confront and unlearn if we’re ever going to free ourselves from the shame and guilt of wanting more or daring to dream differently.
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So, where do we go from here as Black women? Do we kick gratitude to the curb? Or do we keep letting it shrink us, holding us back from stepping fully into our power?
Absolutely not
Gratitude should empower us, serving as a foundation for building the lives we dream of and not a chain that keeps us stuck in place.
Therefore, If you’re done with falling into the gratitude trap, here are three solid ways to break the cycle and embrace a mindset of abundance and possibility:
Foolproof Strategies To Escape The Gratitude Trap And Embrace A Mindset Of Abundance And Possibility
After the situation between my mum and my sister, I dove into researching the gratitude trap.
In my search, I came across these three strategies, as shared by certified life coach and host of The Humble Rising Podcast, Ms. Airvee Vargas, to be the most effective in helping Black women learn how to be grateful without staying stuck:
Recognize Feelings Are Not Mutually Exclusive
One of the biggest traps we fall into is thinking that we can either be grateful or desire more as if the two cannot exist together. This idea is deeply ingrained in us, especially as Black women, when we’re told that we should be grateful for what we have and not ask for more.
But, as Airvee Vargas highlights, this mindset can be a weapon we use against ourselves, causing us to suppress legitimate feelings, valid aspirations, and the desire for growth.
Being grateful for your current life does not mean you should stop striving for more. In fact, it should fuel your desire to evolve and grow.
Gratitude and ambition can coexist, and when you stop seeing them as opposites, you’ll realize you can appreciate what you have while still working towards what’s next.
Harness Your Gratitude Dialogue
Make it a habit to jot down your gratitude and desires. Every morning or evening, take five minutes to list the things you’re grateful for—like that perfect cup of coffee, the store attendant who held the door for you, or the way the sunrise made you feel that morning.
Then, take another five minutes to think about what you want more of, what you want to change, or what you’d love to experience next.
For me, that means tackling my procrastination, becoming more consistent with my fitness routine, and traveling around East Africa.
The key here is to be honest with yourself – acknowledging where you are while dreaming up your goals and aspirations in life.
And in doing that every day for ten minutes for the next 70 days (because that’s how long it takes to form a habit), you’ll be able to stay grounded in gratitude without letting it hold you back from evolving.
Reframe Your Internal Dialogue To Include the Word “And” Instead Of “But”
Now let’s work on reframing your internal dialogue.
So, rather than saying, “I’m grateful for this job, this car, or this relationship, but I want more,” try saying: “I’m grateful, and I also want more…”
Instead of feeling guilty like, “I’m being selfish for wanting more,” remind yourself: “I’m being self-respectful for wanting a better opportunity, a better car, a better house…”
Wanting more is not only okay but also a sign of revolution and self-respect.
Instead of thinking, “I’m ungrateful if I’m not completely satisfied,” try telling yourself: “It’s totally possible to be thankful for where I am and still want more.”
This way, you’re allowing yourself to feel both gratitude and ambition without feeling like they’re at odds with each other.
And instead of thinking, “I should just be happy with what I have,” try, “I’m grateful for my journey, and I’m so excited to keep growing.”
Swap out “I’m lucky to have this” with “I’ve worked hard for this, and I’m going to keep creating opportunities for myself.”
And finally, instead of saying, “At least I have a job,” tell yourself, “I appreciate my job, and I deserve a career that fairly advances me.”
The goal here is to create space for both gratitude and the desire for more because it is possible to honor your journey while still pushing for what you deserve.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How Can I Recognize If I’m Stuck In A Gratitude Trap?
A: You’re grateful for your blessing, thankful for your family and loved ones, and recognize how much you have to be grateful for but still feel like there’s something missing. You have a sense that you’re doing what you’re supposed to be doing – you feel like you’re not fulfilling your life’s purpose.
You also feel guilty expressing or sharing your feelings of discontentment because it seems trivial compared to the immense suffering in the world. You feel that others have it so much worse, and besides, you were taught never to complain about your blessings.
Q: Are Gratitude Traps Related To Imposter Syndrome?
A: Yes, they can be.
Both involve self-doubt and the feeling that you don’t deserve your achievements. For Black women, these dynamics often intersect, creating additional barriers to personal and professional fulfilment.
Q: What Are The Different Types Of Gratitude Traps, And How Do They Affect Black Women?
A: Gratitude traps can manifest in various forms, often having unique effects on Black women. Some common types include:
The Conditional Gratitude Trap: This is when appreciation is linked to external validation or achievements. Many Black women find themselves in circumstances where they feel compelled to express gratitude for opportunities that come with exhausting caveats, such as working twice as hard for half the recognition. 4
This creates a cycle of self-doubt and fear of being perceived as ungrateful, ultimately stifling their voices in professional spaces.
The Historical Gratitude Trap: Societal narratives often pressure Black women to feel thankful for the milestones achieved by previous generations. But while honoring history is important, it can stifle personal ambitions and lead to guilt over pursuing individual dreams.
The Social Gratitude Trap: Within community spaces, Black women may feel compelled to suppress dissatisfaction to avoid appearing ungrateful or proud. This often results in masking emotional struggles and unmet needs.
Together, these traps expose the delicate balance Black women must navigate to honor their experiences while daring to seek fulfillment without guilt.
That’s it for today.
If you want to learn more about escaping the gratitude trap, make sure to listen to the episode podcast below:
