Let’s talk money.
Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock, you probably know all about attachment styles and how they impact everything from your friendships to romantic relationships and your work life.
It feels like every vlogger and blogger has dissected John Bowlby’s attachment theory to death, explaining how we form bonds and how those bonds shape our behavior.
But have you ever stopped to consider how your attachment style might be influencing your relationship with money?
Take me, for example; I avoid checking my account balance and statements because they trigger my anxiety. Then there’s my friend who’s always overspending to keep up appearances and avoid anyone knowing about her financial struggles.
Meanwhile, my partner? He’s got it all together – he’s locked in on his savings, has multiple emergency accounts, and has no problem with spending money as long as it fits within his budget.
Interesting, right? How we all have different money habits, despite dealing with the same inflation rates and global financial pressures?
Well, according to Shena Lashey, a personal coach and founder of the Black Girls Heal podcast, our feelings about money—love, hate, fear, resentment, etc.—and our spending/saving habits are deeply rooted in the financial beliefs we grew up with.
So, if you’re always picking up the tab for your friends or find yourself shutting down during money conversations, below is everything you need to know about money attachment styles and practical steps to take if yours is…well, the opposite of secure.
Related: 3 Resources To Help You Knockout Debt Without Going Broke
What Is A Money Attachment Style?
@milliondollarhypnotist #stitch with @thirtyflirtysurviving Your financial trauma healing journey begins with answering these questions. I share what your answers could mean in the Overcoming Financial Anxiety Webinar. #wealthymindset #wealthmindset #financialtrauma #financialstress #wealthywoman #richgirltiktok #moneytok #personalfinance #attachmentstyle ♬ original sound – Juliet????& ADHD Hypnotherapy
A money attachment style refers to the way an individual thinks about, feels toward, and behaves with money.
The concept is rooted in the bonds or emotional connection one has with money and can be influenced by personal experiences, cultural influences, and the financial environment one was exposed to during childhood.
What Are The Four Different Financial Attachment Styles?
The Anxious Attachment Style
Also known as the ambivalent or anxious-preoccupied attachment, this relationship style is marked by hyper-focused awareness, insecurity, and persistent fear and doubt.
When it comes to money, individuals with an anxious attachment style often manifest a “scarcity mindset” stemming from a deep-seated fear of losing financial stability or never having enough money.
Money plays an outsized role in their thoughts and behaviors, so much so that it causes headaches, tense muscles, or sleep issues.
Signs of an anxious money attachment style include:
- Persistently worry about the future
- Compulsively checking their financial accounts
- Invest a lot of time in finding the best deals
- Over-monitor their finances
- Gravitate towards the cheapest products or items
- Struggle to live in the moment or enjoy financial stability
- Posses an inability to spend money without experiencing anxiety
The Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment Style
Do you often avoid checking your bank accounts, paying bills yourself, or making financial decisions? If so, you might have a dismissive-avoidant money attachment style.
Experts explain that individuals with this attachment style often shut down, go numb, or dissociate when it comes to money talks.
They also struggle to ask for raises at work or increase business rates, leading them to miss out on financial opportunities and self-sabotage on their own financial growth.
Another defining trait of dismissive avoidant attachment types is the belief in “noble poverty” – the idea that virtue lies in not having money and that good people don’t seek wealth.
Basically, these individuals sacrifice their financial well-being for the sake of others. But while altruistic, this mindset can eventually lead to burnout and long-term financial instability.
Signs of a dismissive-avoidant money attachment style include:
- Avoid budgeting or financial planning
- Struggle to set and achieve financial goals
- Experience financial burnout
- Have accumulated missed payments or late fees
- Avoid conversations about money
- Take high financial risks
- Are overly self-reliant with money matters
- Downplay financial concerns
- Make decisions based on emotions rather than logic
The Disorganized Attachment Style
Often referred to as the fearful-avoidant attachment, this relationship style is marked by a hot-and-cold relationship with money. It combines both anxious and avoidant attachments, creating a cycle of emotional turbulence around finances.
One minute, you’re anxiously calculating every expense and saving for the apocalypse; the next, you’re tossing caution to the wind and impulsively splurging as a way to avoid financial stress.
One day you’re meticulously budgeting for a hangout with your besties; the next, you’re all about that YOLO life, making it rain without a second thought.
Does this sound like you? Well, sis, you might have a disorganized money attachment style.
Signs of a fearful-avoidant money attachment style include:
- Feel overwhelmed, fearful, or panicked about finances one moment and overly confident or reckless the next
- Swing between extremes of hoarding money and overspending
- Are hesitant about financial advisors, partners, or institutions due to distrust
- Ignore financial responsibilities, such as bills or budgets, then suddenly obsess over finances in an attempt to regain control
- Make spontaneous purchases without considering consequences, followed by regret or guilt
- Engage in risky financial behavior, like gambling or unplanned investments
- Have a deep fear of financial loss, sometimes leading to irrational hoarding
- Struggle to create and maintain a consistent financial plan
- Associate money with feelings of unworthiness or inadequacy
- Experience shame for both spending and saving
The Secure Attachment Style
People with a secure money attachment style have a healthy, balanced relationship with their finances (please, teach me your ways).
They might wish they had more money or less debt, but they accept their financial reality without letting emotions take over. These individuals easily navigate financial ups and downs, striking a harmonious balance between saving and spending.
Secure attachment types operate with an “abundance mindset,” trusting that money flows in and out and that they can adapt as needed. Money serves as a tool to measure progress and not a source of emotional turmoil.
Signs of a secure money attachment style include:
- Set realistic goals
- Make informed money decisions
- Have a balanced approach to saving, spending, and investing
- Trust in their ability to adapt to financial changes
- Willingness to seek financial advice or collaborate when needed
How To Determine Your Money Attachment Style
Real talk: I have a disorganized attachment style, and yes, I’m feeling really embarrassed right about now, especially because it’s one of the hardest attachment styles to fix; however, my relationship with money is straight-up hot and cold.
At noon, I’m super-disciplined and serious about sticking to my $50 beer budget with friends. By 7 p.m., I’m throwing my hands in the air, yelling, “You only live once,” as I dance the night away.
Chaotic? Absolutely. But I’m committed to leveling up – 2025 is my Glow Up era.
If your money attachment style isn’t as clear-cut as mine and you’re wondering where you stand – because your money, friendship, and romantic attachment styles vary (mine are secure, anxious, and fearful-avoidant, in that order) – there are a few things you can do to get to the bottom of it.
You can start by considering the following money attachment style questions and taking note of any feelings or thoughts that come up:
- How were money conversations handled in your family when you were growing up? (Were they an open discussion, an avoided topic, or a source of tension?)
- What emotions come up when you think about money or finances? (Are they primarily positive, negative, or neutral?)
- How do you feel when you check your bank account or open a bill? (Calm and in control, anxious, or completely avoidant?)
- When you think about saving and spending, do you feel balanced or conflicted? (Are you proud of your habits, or do you wish they were different?)
- How do you handle unexpected financial surprises (Do you panic, strategize, or shrug it off?)
- When discussing money with friends, partners, or family, do you feel confident, embarrassed, or hesitant? Why?
- Do you associate financial success or wealth with guilt, stress, freedom, or something else entirely?
- What’s your relationship with debt? (Actively manage it, ignore it, or feel ashamed?)
- When it comes to long-term financial planning, do you feel secure or uncertain? (Do you avoid it entirely, or is it a top priority?)
- Do you feel deserving of financial abundance, or do you believe wealth comes with guilt or judgment?
- Do you view budgeting as a tool for empowerment, or does it feel restrictive and stressful?
If these questions leave you feeling anxious, ashamed, or like avoiding this conversation altogether, it’s safe to say you’re an insecure money attachment.
Reflecting on these questions, examining your habits, and identifying the patterns (like being a saver one month and an impulsive spender the next) is the first step.
Next, implement the strategies below to shift into a secure money attachment style.
FYI: If these questions don’t quite capture your money personality, Empower and Buzzfeed offer some of the best money attachment quizzes on the net.
Strategies For Developing A Secure Attachment Approach To Money
If your relationship with money feels balanced and transactional – where it serves to support your most responsible, fulfilled life – congratulations! You have a secure attachment to money.
But if you’re not there yet, here are practical steps to develop the “I control my money, it doesn’t control me” mindset:
If You Have An Anxious Attachment Style:
Start by exploring your emotions around money. Journal using the “I believe money is…” prompt and reflect on what you want your future relationship with money to look like.
Write a letter breaking up with money, followed by a heartfelt letter from it responding to you in secure attachment (as a supportive, abundant partner in your life).
Work towards a secure attachment style by scheduling regular money check-ins. Mark them on your calendar to assess areas for improvement and celebrate your wins. Doing this will help you build a healthy money mindset and beat anxiety and stress.
You may also benefit from working with a financial therapist or coach (Dasha Kennedy of The Broke Black Girl is a great resource) or diving into financial therapy books specifically for Black women.
Prioritize self-care. Eat well, sleep well, and exercise regularly. Keeping yourself calm and clear-headed will help you tackle financial challenges more effectively.
If You’re A Dismissive-Avoidant Money Attachment
Start by reflecting on what you gain by restricting yourself from pleasure and opportunity. What do you lose in the process?
Recognize that even the most selfless efforts to help others require money – Sarojini Naidu once said of Gandhi, “It costs a lot of money to keep this man in poverty.” To truly make an impact, consider how much more you could do with greater financial abundance.
Run toward, not away from, money problems. It’s easy to avoid bills and bank statements to dodge bad news, but facing reality is liberating. Set aside time to sit with your bills and a calculator to assess your financial situation. Once you have the facts, you can create a clear plan.
Celebrate your wins. Just as overspending and overdue bills can trigger shame, paying off even a small amount of debt can leave you feeling empowered. Embrace those positive emotions and make a point to congratulate yourself when you break free from your typical money-attachment habits.
Take a page from the anxious attachment style and journal using the “I believe money is…” prompt, asking yourself what you want your future relationship with money to be.
Write a letter breaking up with your current bank account habits, followed by a heartfelt letter from your bank account, responding as a secure, supportive partner in your life.
Finally, schedule regular money meetings with yourself to develop positive money habits and overcome avoidance. If needed, work with a financial therapist or coach or explore financial therapy books for Black women.
Related: ‘Clever Girl Finance’ Founder Bola Sokunbi Shares 4 Tactics She Used to Save $100K In Just 3 Years
If You’re A Disorganized Attachment Type
Start by understanding your money habits. Identify when you’re most likely to save or splurge, how spending makes you feel, and which aspects of managing money stress you out.
Once you’ve identified your behaviors, journal with the prompt, “I believe money is…” and ask yourself what kind of relationship you want with money in the future.
Write a letter breaking up with your current money habits, followed by a heartfelt letter from them responding to you in secure attachment as a supportive partner in your life.
Focus on what you can control. While external factors like a recession or rising interest rates are beyond your control, you can make small changes to improve your financial situation by slashing a few bucks from your food budget or increasing your savings amount.
Create a step-by-step plan with small, achievable goals. Celebrate your wins when you tick off a goal or stick to a solid money system for 14 consecutive days. Doing this will help build confidence and momentum.
Get help and accountability from someone you trust. It can be a coach, therapist, mentor, or supportive friend.
If You Have a Secure Attachment Style
Challenge yourself to set ambitious financial goals and pursue them with confidence.
Trust in your ability to earn and make wise financial decisions.
Keep adjusting and aligning with the natural flow and growth of your wealth.
Frequently Asked Questions
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Which Attachment Style Is Considered The Most Successful?
Research consistently points to the secure attachment style as the most successful, particularly in relationships.
People with this attachment style tend to experience healthier, more fulfilling connections, leading to higher satisfaction and stability in their relationships than other attachment types.
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What Is The Hardest Money Attachment Style To Fix?
Experts agree that the fearful-avoidant (or disorganized) money attachment style is the most challenging to address.
The relationship style combines anxious and avoidant tendencies, resulting in unpredictable and often extreme behaviors regarding financial management, such as swinging between impulsive spending and excessive saving.
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What Is The Psychological Attachment To Money?
Worrying about finances can have a seriously negative impact on our self-esteem. Psychologist Dr. Yvonne Thomas, PhD of hermoney, notes that emotional attachments to money can be hard to break, particularly for women. Since women still earn significantly less than their male counterparts, they might want to cling to what they earn more tightly.
Others might have an insecure attachment style with money due to growing up in poverty, a previous job loss, or something else entirely. Dr. Thomas advises confronting these attachments directly, whether with a professional or a trusted friend.
She emphasizes the importance of separating societal or familial expectations from one’s true beliefs about money. For example, if one chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, it’s vital to accept that decision without guilt or shame.
Conclusion
Whether we realize it or not, our childhood experiences often influence the decisions we make about money. Examining our upbringing, habits, and reactions to various financial institutions can uncover the emotions driving our money mindset.
Let go of shame, focus on what you can, celebrate your financial wins (no matter how small), and keep working on learning and re-learning negative money habits.
If you’re still struggling and want to learn how to attract more money, subscribe to emilycottonop.com for your healthiest, most money-minded year yet.
