Surely you have heard by now the buzzing in the interweb streets about the fiasco of Mr. Derrick Jaxn.
The wife, the affairs, the separation, the lies, the scandal, deceit, betrayal, whoremongering, gossip, interviews, and receipts from the mistresses themselves.
Oh, the deception.
However, this isn’t a detailed account of his shortcomings, but more of a “how did we get here?” in the first place.
How as women, did we allow this man to become wealthy from our direct support of his persona?
I referenced “we” even though I didn’t personally support his brand, merchandise, books, or teachings, I am still a woman and we are in this together.
Derrick and the rest of them
The first time I came across Derrick’s videos was a few years ago. A friend of mine shared one of his car testimony moments with me.
I can’t recall the specifics, but if you are familiar with his message, it was about a woman’s expectations of her man.
Which in fact are the basis of most of his messages if you break them down. I didn’t find what he was saying to be completely profound.
It wasn’t revolutionary. It wasn’t even original. It was a message that could have been given from one friend to another.
It did come across as honest which was not hard to believe. By that time, Steve Harvey’s “Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man” was already a hit.
It was not unheard of for men to market to us on how we want to be and should be treated. I summed it up as some women wanting to hear that message from an outside source.
I don’t know him personally and I never wanted to (I still don’t). He along with other social media personalities like Tony Gaskins and Kevin Samuels, have made a platform with us as their eyes, ears, and funded by our wallets.
I would go as far as to say, I am not upset with their hustle. They saw a need and they filled the void. But to get back to the original question, “How did we get here?”
Are they necessary? In my opinion, it is a strong no. They are not necessary.
We as women have been given all we need to navigate not only love and relationships but life. Our internal intuition screams out from the heavens.
It flashes in neon signs from galaxies past under the guise of red flags. We know what is good for us. We know what we need. We know what we want. We know what we must have.
The issues are accepting those wants, needs, and acknowledging those desires. We have allowed them to market back to us our own knowledge wrapped up in a pretty bow called “confirmation.”
When I found out that Derrick had been accused of cheating, I didn’t find it to be so farfetched. He is to some handsome, to some decently presented, well-spoken, honest in his approach, and consistent in his speech.
He was quick to speak up for women and even chastise at times like an older brother to his younger sister reminding her of her worth.
Many women would find that not only attractive but comforting. Many times, we just want a safe haven to be understood.
There is an appeal in his persona.
It also helped that he kept the ware bouts of his wife separate from his brand. Did the women he cheated with know he was married at first? I don’t know, they will say “no.” Did he disclose to them his separation from his wife?
They say he did. That is a nonfactor because when you look at his message it completely contradicts his actions.
Since he has been on a bible tour I will toss in this scripture for reference “A doubleminded man is unstable in his ways.” James 1:8. As trustworthy as he projected a figure, that isn’t who he is as a person.
Religion And Politics
I am going to take a brief pause from Derrick and switch gears a bit.
As I mentioned, he has been on a bible tour since the accusations have been brought to light.
I am not going to say that is good or bad. There is nothing wrong with religion. It too has many valuable teachings, comfort, and guides.
We all seek and must grant forgiveness at some point in our lives. It serves as a great standing point for this topic.
However, far too often as history has taught us, that humans have used religion for the basis of our own agendas good and bad.
I read a post recently from the standpoint of Christianity not teaching youths, both men and women how to date.
It is true. We see marriage, but we don’t understand dating and courtship. Most don’t even know the difference.
What we see is Ephesians 5:22 “Wives submit to your husbands as you do the Lord” often. However, if you just scroll down a little further in the scriptures you will also read in Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up to her.”
Also, in Ephesians 5:28 “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.
He who loves his wife loves himself.” If you continue to read further, you will see that there are a lot more instructions to the husband, than there are for the wife. This is clearly from a heterosexual viewpoint.
They must love us first! If there is no love, what is there to submit to? That question does not fit most agendas.
We are taught to stay, persevere, guide, teach be light, be salt, forgive, be gentle, nurture, exude our femininity for the right only to our husbands, endure, and at times remain silent.
However, the good book says to submit when loved. Interesting.
Somewhere along the way, the value of the woman has been reduced to just a helpmate. When the Word says to respect each other.
This is merely from the Christian perspective, because well, Derrick has been leaning heavily on it.
According to the Pew Research Center women are more likely to believe in God, pray and attend church in comparison to men.
Even though this is a known fact, why is it that we are normally preached to about the subject of our actions instead of how we should be treated?
It is our tithes and offerings that keep the lights on and the church doors open, yet most of the leaders in the church are men.
And yes, I am aware there is a scripture for that too, 1 Corinthians 14:34 “Women should remain silent in the churches, they are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says.”
Oh, but let’s pause for a minute and look at Romans 16:1 “I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a deacon of the church in Cenchreae.”
According to Merriam Webster, a Deacon is defined as a. A Roman Catholic, Anglican, or Eastern Orthodox cleric ranking next below a priest. b. One of the laymen elected by a church with congregational polity to serve in worship, in pastoral care, and on administrative committees.
It would appear, Deaconess Phoebe of Rome, had plenty to say, plenty of “power” and plenty duties as one of the heads of the early church, but I digress.
I would say, if you are going to reference the bible, please make sure you cover all the bases.
Some say the Word is contradictory to itself. I like to think it is the ying and the yang to its own scripture.
There is balance to everything.
Skipping over to politics for a second. Recently, 172 Republicans in the US House of Representatives voted to oppose the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA).
The act, according to the National Network to End Domestic Violence (NNEDV), “Creates and supports comprehensive, cost-effective responses to domestic violence, sexual assault, dating violence, and stalking.”
Why is this important? It goes back to women seeking safe spaces, safe personas, safety in general. It is rarely acknowledged in the church.
It is not accepted in politics. Where are we to go?
For the record, women are not second-class citizens.
We are not less than.
We are not just the help.
We are leaders.
We are the mothers, daughters, friends, wives, and nurturers.
We are the Goddesses.
We go are getters and hard workers. We multiply everything within our grasp.
We fine-tune and make well.
We are sensitive and sensual. We are strong. We are creative. We are to be loved, protected, and cherished. We are good. We are great.
Back to Derrick and now his wife
I cannot tell you to believe him. If you are invested in his message, I will say forgive and move on how you see fit. I will not tell you to follow him.
I will say that in the original apology video, while he spoke every few minutes, he took the time to promote his new book (I will leave the title out of this. There is no need to promote him any more than I have already done so).
I will also say that as he held the hand of his wife in their joint statement video posted the next day, he gripped her hand with much vigor and much desperation.
She however just seemed tired. After their thoughts, I went to the comments to read other’s opinions and came across him promoting the book.
The cover which sports their wedding photo is now for 50% off with the caption “How did we come back from this?” Some have questioned if this was all staged. I don’t have the answer to that question.
I do know that those who have taken the mantle to harass his wife on her social media pages are wrong.
Leave that woman alone. She is going through enough. There is no reason to bash or degrade another woman for the sake of the actions of her man.
We have all had turmoil when it comes to relationships of some form. Most of us have dealt with those issues in the comfort of our privacy.
Imagine if the world stood inside your bedroom. It appears he has changed his marketing approach from the single bachelor to the doting husband.
Is this just a ploy for damage control and to restore his image or is this genuine? Only time will tell. He is currently under the microscope and moves can be eerily calculated while under the lens.
Selfcare and Mental Health
Lately, the push for wellness, self-care, and positive mental health has been at the forefront of the conversation.
It is shedding the stigma of being taboo. Counseling may be necessary at times. It is for your personal journey which will then affect those around you. It is ok to not be ok. It is not ok, to remain there.
Do what needs to be done for your own benefit. Yes, healing takes time, but you must do the work, or it will be time wasted. Putting your hopes and dreams into public figures will lead you astray.
There is one thing that Derrick mentioned that I do agree with. He asked that no one put him on a pedestal.
Even though he gladly welcomed the position, perching himself on the ledge and placed his brand firmly on the podium excepting it with open arms.
No one is perfect. He accepted coins from our purses gladly while he lived a seemingly double life. He enjoyed the shares, likes, comments, direct messages, and reposts of favorable mentions.
Choose those of influence wisely.
The investment of a social worker, wellness group, or therapist will have more of an impact on your life than a man with a book.
As we seek to find our safe spaces, may we explore our own hearts and being.
While we look to others for validation and confirmation, may we surround ourselves with those who love and cherish our spirits and souls.
Constantly engage in discernment. Understand your worth and value, it is of the highest esteem.
Everything that you will ever need in this life has already been given to you to succeed.
I am not a relationship expert or self-proclaimed guru, but I do know when we look for love, I hope we look to ourselves first.
So, when we acknowledge the peace within us, we can appreciate the differences and joys of another who will not only compliment us but reflect our peace.
Remember, trust your intuition Sis.
Cyrene Renee, Author, Writer & Poet.
CEO of Cyrene Renee Enterprise.