Judge me if you want, but sometimes I find myself daydreaming about arranged marriages.
Not the creepy, child-bride kind – ew, no thanks – but the kind where your family sets you up with a decent human being your own age. Both families do the vetting; you get to know each other without the pressure of swiping left or right, and boom – you’re hitched. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
Unfortunately, for most of us in the modern world, dating is a constant battle between paranoia, anxiety, attachment styles, and a never-ending stream of dates that makes you question whether aliens abducting you would be easier than swiping right one more time. We’re out here playing detective, therapist, and background investigator all rolled into one.
That’s why it’s no surprise that Facebook groups like “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” have become so popular. These groups serve as some sort of community watch, where women unite to compare notes, share screenshots, and expose guys who are, let’s just say, less than upfront about their dating lives.
Whether it’s serial cheaters, Brendas with a catfishing fetish, or another Simon Leviev about to happen, these groups have been offering a sense of sisterhood—and a much-needed heads-up.
So, what’s the real deal inside these Facebook groups? And how are they changing the dating game? Below is everything you need to know about the “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” dating detective groups.
What Are The “Are We Dating The Same Guy” Facebook Groups?
@desireewestman oh..and we have a 10 week old baby too #cheater #cheatinghusbands #cheatingstory #liar #husbandwife #arewedatingthesameguy #nope #justmarried ♬ original sound – Desirée ????
According to Glamour, the “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” Facebook groups began in New York in March 2022, offering women a platform to share their dating experiences—usually with straight, cisgender men—and to check if those men were truly single.
The group emerged in the wake of the notorious West Elm Caleb saga. Caleb, a 28-year-old furniture designer, became infamous on TikTok after multiple women in NYC shared their negative experiences with him. He was known for lying, mass dating on Hinge, and ghosting his dates soon after.
It seemed many women were in the market for a way to suss out others like him and thus “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Facebook groups were born.
How Do These Groups Work? Is There A Criteria For Joining?
Like any social media group, “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” has a specific set of criteria and a laundry list of rules that all members must follow.
First, you can only join a group based on your location—whether it’s Chicago, Dubai, London, New York, Pittsburgh, or Sydney, there’s an “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” for you.
Everyone who wants to join must apply, and members are allowed to post anonymously. While they can share photos of men from dating apps, no personal information or last names are permitted.
To safeguard members’ privacy, sharing content outside the “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” group is strictly forbidden. Additionally, the groups prohibit taking screenshots, bullying, victim-blaming, or commenting on anyone’s physical appearance. Words like “weird” or “ghosted” are banned when describing experiences.
Most importantly, no man is ever allowed to know he has been posted in the “Are We Dating the Same Guy?” groups. This rule has become increasingly challenging to enforce, especially with the rise of catfishing.
How they work: Typical posts consist of photos of a man, usually accompanied by his first name or app name, asking if anyone has matched with or dated him. Red flag emojis and captions like “any tea?” are frequent sights, but the most alarming posts feature a downward arrow and ominous words: “See comments for more info.”
Are “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Facebook Groups Worth It?
@lulustone_ the tea being spilt on these pages are life saving #facebookgroup #facebook #dating #datingtips #singlelife #single ♬ original sound – lulu
According to cyberpsychologist Nicola Fox, Facebook groups like “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” are extremely valuable for individuals navigating the often-opaque spaces created by dating apps.
“If you’re on a social network platform, a lot of what happens is public, so it’s easy to see what the social norms of behavior are,” she told The Independent.
“Whereas with something like online dating, pretty much everything that happens [outside of] the profile is behind closed doors. You don’t know what’s going on, you don’t know if your experience is normal, or weird, or if everybody else is having the same experience.”
Groups like “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” help women weed out cheaters, players, and even violent men, enabling them to make more informed dating decisions. Some, like the London page, even offer counseling sessions and dating advice that’s valuable to many of the members.
It’s not all about bad behavior either—when a woman posts about a decent guy, the group often praises him. “If there’s a nice guy who is posted, women will come out of the woodwork to let you know,” one user said about the NYC group.
So, are they worth it? For many women, absolutely.
But there’s a downside: they can also promote anxiety, paranoia, and mistrust. There’s no way to fully verify what a member posts, and false accusations can seriously harm someone’s reputation.
Additionally, phrases like “red flag,” “toxic,” and “unromantic” can be highly subjective. For one woman, a red flag might be a guy asking to split the bill, while for another, it might mean being pressured into sex on the first date.
While we should trust and believe women, we can’t ignore the fact that sometimes names are tarnished simply because a date didn’t go as expected. And if dating is meant to be a learning experience, is it really fair—or helpful—to hold everyone accountable for the ghosts of their past?
The bottom line: “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” groups can be extremely helpful for those genuinely concerned about the well-being of their fellow women. However, they can also be detrimental to your mental health, which leads us to…
Related: These 6 Black Girl Dating Profile Dos & Don’ts Can Help You Finally Attract The Right Match
What To Do If You Find Your Man In The “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Facebook Groups?
Now, if you find yourself in the middle of a Nola-Lebo-Ruth (The Ultimatum: South Africa) type of situation on an “Are We Dating The Same Guy?” Facebook group don’t panic. Here are a few strategies to help you manage this messy landscape:
Don’t Panic: I know this is easier said than done, but you need to breathe, sis. Remember, just because your man or date is in the group doesn’t automatically mean he’s guilty of something shady. Take a moment to collect yourself before diving into the comments.
Context Is Key: To reiterate, before jumping to any conclusions, take a moment to read through the post and comments carefully. Are they sharing actual facts, or are these just personal opinions about your date? If the comments leave you feeling unsettled, don’t hesitate to confront the man—that’s the most mindful and mature way to handle it.
Trust Your Gut: If the post raises red flags, it’s time to investigate. Talk to your partner directly. Approach the situation calmly and ask about what was shared in the group. If he’s dodging questions or acting sketchy, that’s when you may need to consider the next steps.
Know When To Walk Away: If what you uncover leaves you feeling uneasy or confirms your suspicions, don’t hesitate to protect your peace. Relationships are supposed to be easy and built on trust, and if you can’t trust the person you’re with, hun, it might not be worth it.
Lean on Your People: You don’t have to go through this alone, sis. Reach out to your friends or family—those who really have your back. Sometimes, just talking it out with someone who knows you can bring a whole new perspective. And if it’s feeling like too much to handle, don’t hesitate to hit up your therapist. Having an expert’s insight can make all the difference in helping you process what you’ve discovered.
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Related: Every Black Woman Should Be In A Sister Circle. Here Are 17 Reasons Why
