Meaning: Negative attraction is that frustrating cycle where you keep falling for toxic partners, no matter how much you try to avoid them. It’s like your heart has a thing for chaos, leading to endless drama, emotional distress, and relationship burnout.
What Causes Negative Attraction?
According to 21Ninety, a lot of it comes down to early experiences. If you grew up with inconsistent love, emotional neglect, or trauma, you might unknowingly seek relationships that mirror that same instability.
Sometimes, it can be an attempt to “fix” the past – you choose partners who remind you of the people who hurt you, hoping to rewrite the story.
Self-worth plays a huge role, too. When you don’t believe you deserve better, it’s easy to settle for partners who treat you like an afterthought. You might even mistake love for struggle, tolerating disrespect and abusive behavior just because it feels familiar.
And let’s not forget external validation. Some of us fall for partners who shower us with compliments and affection at first, only to manipulate and control us later, which reinforces our dependence on that partner’s approval.
Related: Why I Stand By Dating Your Type And The Voicenote From My Mom That Changed Everything (Part Two)
How Negative Attraction Shows Up In Relationships
Negative attraction can present itself in various ways in your relationship.
For some, this might look like one partner calling all the shots, controlling where you go, what you do, or even who you talk to (anyone getting triggered?). That power imbalance leaves the other partner feeling trapped, like they’re constantly walking on eggshells.
For others, it might involve their partner using their fears (abandonment, failure, etc.), insecurities (weight issues, being cheated on, etc.), or past trauma (sexual assault, unhealthy family dynamics, etc.) against you to maintain control. That’s not love, hunnay; that’s proper emotional manipulation and a blinking sign of negative attraction.
Also, if you ever feel weird with calm, safe partners and feel at home with rowdy, dramatic, and consistently argumentative partners, there’s a high possibility you’re mistaking this for passion when, in reality, it’s a potential sign of incompatibility and unresolved issues that y’all need to deal with.
Negative attraction also fosters unhealthy dependency, where one partner relies too much on the other for emotional support while the other thrives on validation. This dynamic can hinder personal growth, leaving both partners feeling stuck and unfulfilled.
How To Break Free From Negative Attraction And Find The Love You Deserve
Breaking free from cycles of negative attraction starts with recognizing the unhealthy patterns keeping you stuck.
It’s not just about choosing the right partner or finding better love. It’s about unlearning past habits, re-evaluating your self-worth, and creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships with yourself and others.
If you’re not sure where to start, here’s a quick guide to get you on the right track:
Know Your Worth
If you don’t believe you deserve a healthy, fulfilling relationship, you’ll always keep settling for less.
You need to develop habits that reinforce your self-love, such as doing affirmations, writing yourself love letters, surrounding yourself with people who uplift and remind you of your value, and even listening to podcasts that teach you how to love and value yourself more, like The Self-Love Podcast by Beatrice Kamau.
The more you reinforce your self-worth, the less likely you’re likely to tolerate toxicity and abusive behavior.
Set And Maintain Boundaries
Boundaries are your personal blueprint for how you expect to be treated.
Communicate your needs clearly, enforce those limits, and, most importantly, walk away when someone refuses to respect them. The right partner will honor your boundaries, not push against them.
Related: How To Set Healthy Boundaries Without Guilt – According To Your Favorite Wellness Gurus
Seek Professional Help
Breaking deep-seated patterns isn’t easy, and you don’t have to go at it alone. Working with a therapist or relationship counselor can provide you with the tools and insights you need to break free from negative attraction cycles.
A professional can guide you through the healing process, help you recognize unhealthy behaviors, and support you in developing relationships that nurture and empower you instead of draining your energy.
Breaking the cycle of negative attraction might feel like an impossible task, but it’s totally worth it. It’s about choosing yourself even when it’s hard, even when you’re feeling overwhelmed by loneliness, and even when it feels like love will never come your way again.
Because the truth is, you can’t pour from an empty cup. You’ve got to heal, rebuild, and find peace within yourself first. Once you do that, the right love will find its way to you.
