Picture this.
You’re having a perfectly delightful conversation with a potential soulmate (or at least someone who doesn’t send unsolicited eggplant emojis). Then, poof! They vanish faster than David Copperfield after a botched levitation trick. You’re left wondering if you accidentally sent a selfie with a surprise third nipple or if they just, you know, forgot you existed.
That, my friends, is the classic art of ghosting. Brutal, yes, but according to my sweet summer child of a cousin, there’s a new champion in the arena of dating cruelty: ghostlighting.
Think of it as the evil twin of ghosting, the one who not only disappears but returns to gaslight you about the whole ordeal. My younger cousin Deja, bless her heart, tried to explain this to me the other day. Apparently, ghosting is so last season! Now, people are ghosting, then reappearing with excuses so outrageous they’d make even Pinocchio blush.
After a few seconds of stunned silence and texts to my group chat that were 99% keyboard-smashed expletives, I had to do my own investigative journalism on this new dating atrocity. A quick scroll through the oracle of 21st Century dating, aka TikTok and sis…the stories I uncovered? Whew, let’s just say the trenches of modern romance would make a hardened soldier shudder.
From kids pulling twisted disappearing acts on their parents/families to vindictive exes using ghostlighting for a twisted ego boost, it seems the games and mind-trickery know no bounds these days.
But don’t fret, my pure-hearted, sensitive-spirited, sexy friend. By the end of this piping-hot truth session, you’ll be armed and ready to slay the dragon of ghostlighting that dares to cross your path.
But first…
What Exactly Is Ghostlighting?
According to Psychology Today, ghostlighting is the unholy love child of ghosting and gaslighting.
For those unfamiliar, ghosting involves abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation. Imagine meeting someone interesting, connecting online, and then – radio silence. No goodbye message, no ‘hiya, whatcha upto?’ Just silence.
Now, because you’re firm about standing on business, you might try to reach out for some clarity. But instead of being honest (even if a bit hurtful), a ghostlighter might resort to gaslighting.
Gaslighting, as defined by the American Psychological Association (APA), is an emotional and psychological manipulation tactic. The gaslighter manipulates you into questioning your reality, memory, and sanity. As @therelationshipexpert points out, “You question everything. Your memory, perception, and even your sanity.”
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with you for wanting an explanation. The problem is a ghostlighter, especially a serial offender, is unlikely to offer closure. They might even reappear later, offering confusing crumbs of affection (#breadcrumbing) before vanishing again, leaving you even more confused and hurt than before.
Now, because this behavior can be so confusing and hurtful, we’ll delve deeper into the signs of ghostlighting and explore strategies for dealing with it.
How To Spot Ghostlighting
According to relationship expert Tina Wilson, founder of the Wingman dating app, one of the biggest red flags for ghostlighting is the narrative the perpetrator creates.
In romantic relationships, a ghostlighter might shower you with affection initially, making you feel unique and secure. Then, once you’ve let your guard down, they’ll manipulate you into believing you’re the one being unreasonable or clingy. This tactic allows them to shift the blame and justify their own insecure actions.
Other red flags to watch out for include:
- Playing the victim card: They’re always the ones who’ve been wronged, never at fault. Past traumas or current circumstances become excuses for their behavior.
- Selective amnesia: Dates, experiences, or promises they made conveniently vanish from their memory. They might act like these events never happened, downplay their importance, or make you question your recollection.
- Emotional distance: Even after they reappear, there’s a clear emotional gap. Their return feels superficial, lacking genuine remorse or understanding.
- Inconsistent communication: Ghostlighters might be attentive for one minute and completely vanish for extended periods.
Also, listen out for these manipulative phrases ghostlighting partners often use:
- “You never seemed interested.” (This flips the script and makes you question your actions.)
- “You always think or assume people are ignoring you.” (This invalidates your feelings and makes you question your perception.)
- “I’m not your exes. When I’m silent, it’s got nothing to do with you. I have a lot I’m thinking about.” (This deflects responsibility and paints you as overly sensitive.)
- “Hold up. Is it me who stopped talking to you? Or did you stop talking to me?” (Playing the victim and rewriting the narrative)
- “I would never ghost someone. I was raised better. You’re just twisting things to make yourself feel better about losing interest.” (This uses guilt and gaslighting to make you question your sanity)
- “Maybe that’s why we’re not talking. Look at how you blow things out of proportion.” (This blames you for their behavior and minimizes your feelings.)
By recognizing these red flags and manipulative phrases, you can identify ghostlighting behavior early and protect yourself from the emotional turmoil it can cause.
Seriously, Why Do People Ghostlight Others?
Relationship expert Jamie Johnston, the co-founder of inclusive dating app Mattr, told Glamour UK that she thinks ghostlighting is a consequence of the increasingly online world we live in today.
“With apps, events, and social media, you can engage with hundreds of people at the same time and just swap them in and out as you please.”
There’s truth to this. The sheer volume of online interactions can make emotional detachment easier, fostering a mentality of disposability in connections. But I believe ghostlighting goes beyond mere convenience.
Think of it as a warped emotional “get-rich-quick” scheme. You get the initial “benefits” of connection and attention without the emotional investment or the dreaded “goodbye” conversation. No tears, no drama, just…poof!
Except, like any get-rich-quick scheme, ghostlighting ultimately leads to a bust. The ghosted person is left confused and hurt, while the ghostlighter misses out on the chance for a clean and respectful closure.
Beyond the desire for a quick emotional escape, ghostlighting might also stem from other motivations, such as:
• Commitment Phobia: Some people ghostlight to avoid tricky conversations about exclusivity or commitment. They’d rather disappear and twist the narrative with gaslighting tactics than face their commitment issues head-on.
• Insecurity: Ghostlighting partners are often plagued with insecurity. Unsure about their feelings, they vanish to avoid confrontation. And when you confront them, they might deflect the blame or deny the connection ever existed, leaving you questioning your reality.
• Attention-Seeking Spooktacular: In some twisted way, ghostlighting can be a warped way to seek attention. The sudden reappearance fuels confusion and keeps the ghosted person engaged (in a negative way, of course!). This manipulative tactic exposes a lack of communication skills and emotional maturity, ultimately leaving everyone in a messy emotional situation.
How To Deal With Ghostlighting
As Shania Twain eloquently sang, “You learn, you earn, you grow, you yearn.” While the ghostlighting behavior might leave you hurt and confused, remember this: their actions are a reflection of them, not you. Here’s how to move forward with grace and strength:
Trust Your Gut: If the communication dwindles or feels off, listen to your intuition. It’s better to address it early or simply disengage than wait for a potential reappearance and gaslighting attempts.
Limit Contact: If the ghostlighter resurfaces, resist the urge to rehash the situation. Briefly acknowledge the message, but prioritize your well-being. Don’t feel obligated to engage in lengthy conversations or justifications.
Prioritize Self-Care: This is a time to focus on you, hunnay! Engage in activities that spark joy and remind you of your worth. Spend time with supportive friends and family, or explore fulfilling hobbies.
Practice Introspection: If you find yourself repeatedly being ghostlit, reflecting on what you’re seeking in a connection might be helpful. Are you setting clear boundaries? Communicating openly? If you suspect a pattern, consider seeking guidance from a therapist. They can provide valuable tools for developing healthy relationship patterns and recognizing red flags.
Remember: Ghostlighting is a form of manipulation. A genuine connection should feel uplifting and supportive, fostering open communication and mutual respect.
Don’t let someone else’s actions define your worth. You deserve healthy, fulfilling relationships – and with self-love, resilience, and introspection, you’ll be well on your way to finding someone who truly values you.
