Do you ever feel like you channel lucky girl syndrome in all other aspects of your life but are somewhat cursed in the dating department? Does it ever feel like you’re just a magnet for commitment-phobic and emotionally unavailable partners?
Have you been blaming it on the 21st Century’s ideas of dating, the fickleness of dating apps, or even generational curses (karma is a bih)?
We hate to break it to you, but your great-grandma and her sisters have nothing to do with your ill luck in dating.
Giiirrrlll…it’s all on YOU!
Sounds harsh, and maybe it is, but you keep attracting emotionally unavailable partners because you keep making yourself available to them (we certainly have been there so many…many unfortunate times).
As this podcast puts it, you keep letting in the first “shiny penny” that crosses your path, whether that person is truly in alignment with what you consciously desire or not, because your unconscious desires are actually in control.
You’re stuck in this loop of “jerks” and “I’m-not-ready-for-commitment-but-marries-their-ex-two-months-after-dumping-you-kind-of-people” and don’t know how to dig yourself out.
Why does this keep happening? And how can you escape this vicious cycle of commitment-phobic partners?
Let us show you how.
Why You Keep Attracting Commitment-Phobic & Emotionally Unavailable Partners
You do so because your unconscious is running the show!
Your unconscious desires make you feel attracted to someone exhibiting the same traits you claim you no longer entertain in your life.
You desire (and even manifest) an emotionally available/commitment-ready partner. But when a guy/girl comes your way who makes you laugh or sounds good on paper but is emotionally unavailable, you feel the urge to try and fix them.
You go along with the façade because hey, everyone has the potential to become a better person, right? So, maybe you could change them.
You’re not only attracting emotionally unavailable people. You’re also making yourself available to commitment-phobic partners, and that is an indication of what might be going on in your unconscious.
You see, as humans, we tend to be available for what we desire – whether conscious or unconscious.
We are motivated by what we most desire – so it’s doubtful that you’ll do things you don’t actually want to do, irrespective of whether that desire is conscious or unconscious.
So, you could consciously say that you don’t feel the desire or engage with someone who doesn’t have the traits you’re looking for or even meet eyes with a commitment-phobe, but unconsciously, that’s precisely what you want.
Damn you, unconscious! We know.
You say you’re done with “jerks”, “ghosting experts”, and every other commitment-phobe lurking around your life, but is that the truth? Or do you secretly (unconsciously, of course) want a partner like that, so your ego can grow ten times big if you’re able to “change” or “fix” them?
We’ll give you a few seconds to think about that.
Now let’s see how you can break this cycle and finally attract the kind of partners your ancestors would be proud of (*not that it matters* they too had baggage 😊).
How To Attract Emotionally Available & Commitment-Ready Partners
The only way to escape this vicious cycle is by:
Changing Your Mindset
Hands up if you always blame your exes for every setback you faced in your relationship. Hands up if you’re also constantly telling your besties how “these boys ain’t shit” and how a universe without guys “would be perfect” (sure it would, but that’s not the point).
You see, the only person you can control is yourself. And once you realize that, and we mean really recognise that, you see the power in changing how you think and perceive situations instead of hoping the people around you change.
Which brings us to the next point.
If You Want It In Your Relationship, Prioritize It While Dating Too
If you’re single, make sure you approach the dating process matches how you wish to experience a relationship. And if you’re in a relationship, be sure to approach your partner the way you want to experience your partner.
How does this work?
Well, it’s simple.
If you say you’re done tolerating emotionally unavailable partners and desire the opposite, are you able to be present with yourself? Can you be patient enough to hold space for yourself when you experience numerous emotions – anger, frustration, jealousy, happiness, and excitement?
Not just that, but if you reflect on your past relationships, do you think you held your partners in their anger, jealousies, frustrations, depression, or any other emotion?
Were you present for all the emotions they were experiencing, or were you just present for the emotions you “could handle?” Did you pick and choose the emotions you felt were “easier or more suited” to deal with?
True (100%) emotional availability is the ability to be present/available for all emotions. It means being able to discuss your and your partner’s emotions openly and being aware of your partner’s emotional wants and needs.
It really does take two to tangle.
Your Intuition Is Your Life Line
If you want to be with a commitment-ready partner and a relationship filled with security rather than constant anxiety, start by asking this:
Do you trust your ability to pick a partner you can trust and is aligned with your relationship desires?
Are you in touch with your intuition, or do you struggle to connect with that gut feeling you have when making the right choice?
How’s your discernment? Are you able to separate the wheat from the chaff? Would you spot a commitment-phobe by their mannerisms or body language?
If you don’t have a deep connection with your intuition, you might mistake your fears and unconscious desires for instincts, which leads you down the path of emotionally unavailable partners.
You might assume you have an “excellent” feeling about someone, but in reality, that’s your unconscious, your fears, your past traumas, pulling you to them because there’s a part of you feeling suppressed and wanting to be seen, accepted and experienced through that person.
Yup. This is some deep psyche sh*t!
Take Your Sweet Time, Boo!
The energy with which you choose to approach dating is also indicative of your dating comfort levels.
What does this mean?
If you rush the process, you’re likely to gloss over clear indicators the individual gives you about who they are/their values, and you’ll be playing into your own fantasy.
You’ll end in a relationship that exerts your nervous system and leaves you anxiety-ridden – which, TBH, is a position you put yourself in.
Trust is a slow burn. It takes time – so take your time. Assess things carefully. Channel Enola Holmes and watch out for the little things. But in doing so, make sure you also trust yourself enough to be willing to get things wrong.
You want to be okay with getting things wrong and possibly encountering some commitment-phobic persons, but rather than stewing in your mistakes, reroute and get back to finding emotionally-available/commitment-ready partners.
That’s how you build self-trust.
Break Free From The “Instant Noodle Energy” Shackles
Love how Beatrice Kamau explains this in her podcast.
If you desire to attract a partner whose commitment-ready, emotionally available…. a partner who is financially intelligent and responsible, one who plans dates and takes care of all the small details, who doesn’t joke when it comes to their family, job, goals and money habits…know you need to be looking for a partner who has exudes discipline, execution, and responsibility.
You want a person who takes accountability, takes time to think before acting, knows the value of something, and is in it for the long haul.
Anyone that’s highly responsible, disciplined about the little stuff, and goes after their goals; you know they can commit. They don’t give out the “instant noodle energy.”
They know things take time, so they’re constantly building and willing to do it for years. So they’re not looking for an “instant noodle partner”. They’re looking for someone they can build together and stay committed to for the long haul.
What do we mean by “Instant noodle energy?”
Simply put, “instant noodle energy” is the desire for instant gratification. It’s that toddler energy/entitlement most of us tend to have in almost everything in life.
It’s that “OMG! Why hasn’t he called me yet? OMG, it’s been like six hours since we met, and he promised he’d call.” “I’m so done with guys…they’re trash.”
Hey, this isn’t Amazon, sis! You don’t want to approach dating with Amazon Prime Energy.
If you want a person who plans stuff and takes care of the details, you (yourself) also need to have discipline in the dating process. You have to be dedicated and have Mamba Mentality.
That’s the best and only way to establish yourself and stop attracting commitment-phobic partners!