If you identify as Black – African, African American, Afro-Asian, Black British, whatever your descent is, you know how critical our moms can be.
Mine, for instance, can’t stop criticizing my relationship status (single 29-year-old with zero marriage prospects and no hurry to give her a grandchild). And while I often laugh off the comments, sometimes she can say something – just something that will make me question my worth as a woman and send me right into a depressive mood.
It’s not just about marriage or reproduction. African moms and aunties have a way of criticizing everything – be it your cooking skills, your dress code, how you respond to texts, your choice of nail polish, your receding hairline – just about anything that can turn your ‘sunshiney’ mood to gloom.
And while you might have done so much work on yourself or your relationship with your mom/aunties, specific interactions can send you spiraling backward.
So, how do you move on from these heart-stabbing criticisms? How do you avoid letting your mom/aunties infiltrate your awesomeness (because you undoubtedly are a boss bih that deserves everything you wish for) with a flying kick to your self-worth?
You do so by following these expert-approved tips from some of the world’s best relationship coaches. And remember, when push comes to shove, sharing your frustrations with your BFF, partner, non-judgmental sister/cousin, or a licensed therapist can help take some of the load off. You’re never alone, sis!
Now, let’s get into it:
Remind Yourself That Your Mom And Aunties Are Human, Too
More often than you’d think, undue criticism is a mere reflection of how an individual feels about themselves, not a reflection of you or your self-worth. And that’s true even in the case of judgmental moms and aunties.
Their desires for your life might stem partly from their unaccomplished dreams or insecurities, but resolving that is their burden, not yours, boo. As long as you make it your responsibility, you’ll be delaying living your best authentic life.
Remember, their views are just an opinion – you don’t have to fulfill them or sacrifice your preferences just to get a pat on the back (they might end up frustrating you even more because lord knows they don’t know how to give a compliment).
If you don’t want to jeopardize your relationship with your mom or are looking to lessen the resentment you might be feeling towards your aunties – try to figure out some of the deeper reasons why they’re always on your case. Maybe they feel lonely and want you to have a child, so they can get someone to visit them often or want to feel like their opinions are worthy of respect.
Most parents of adults want to feel useful – no one loves feeling unneeded or insignificant. Finding compassion for them within yourself will likely result in a more empathetic response the next time they send you a text or you interact with them as at a family cookout. That said, they should also learn to approach you with just as much empathy.
Be As Realistic As Possible
It would be best to remember that there won’t be a magical elixir to fix your family trauma over the holidays. Time with family can be stressful, so it might not be the best time to bring up old baggage and expect to seamlessly work through it.
Just like they didn’t give you “a good job” for that classic dance move you pulled at your school’s talent show, they are not likely to turn around and say, “we are proud of you” for making it through adulthood.
So, rather than killing yourself with expectations of change, learn to focus on what you can control – how you respond to your mom and aunties, choices, and behavior. Sometimes just nodding, smiling, or tuning them out could be your best move.
Always Prepare For The Inevitable Regression
It’s not a question of if – it’s when the regression will happen. So, before you pack your bags for the holidays, make sure to do some mental work to avoid triggering your most toxic behaviors.
Ask yourself: are there specific topics or places that tend to send your mom into a tizzy? And then figure out how you can avoid those conversations and places. Even moving from your usual eating area to a space outside (or going out to eat one night) can help improve your holiday interactions with your mom/aunties – and lessen the criticism.
Be Intentional With Your Selfcare
You need to find an escape hatch from time to time. Whether this means calling your aunties back at a time convenient to you or springing for a hotel room rather than staying at your mom’s guest room next Thanksgiving, make sure to create a space where you can get some much-needed emotional distance from your family.
Also, learn to say “no” when you need to – don’t stretch yourself thin because your aunt Jackie might look at you sideways – take care of yourself first, sis – you matter! You can also try praying regularly (because some of these interactions can need divine intervention), painting your feelings, or writing a gratitude journal to help you validate yourself and all the incredible stuff you’ve done in your life.
I always wake up an hour early when with family to take a walk or meditate. This gives me time to breathe, validate my worth, or acts as an excellent conduit for seething rage.
Whatever helps you take the edge off, do it. And when you feel a bit overwhelmed by anxiety, depression, or self-deprecation, please seek professional help. It can be very beneficial.
