Not to get all #adulting on you, but making and maintaining friendships as an adult can feel like running a three-ring circus. It’s just hard! So freakin’ hard (*tears*).
If your {friendships} have been smooth-running, congrats, boo. You’re so sooo lucky, and we’re so happy for you (now go and have some “mad fun” with your “thriving circle of BFFs” and leave us, unlucky chiquitas, to figure out what tf is wrong with us).
First of all, there’s nothing wrong with you. Friendships have their moments. One moment they’re fun and exciting. Other times they’re challenging and exhausting. But, contrary to what most of us think, this fluctuation isn’t entirely your fault. In fact, according to one of our favorite podcasts (The Self-Love Fix) by Beatrice Kamau, how one makes and maintains friendships/relationships as an adult depends on their attachment style.
What Are Attachment Styles?
According to Positive Psychology, an attachment style – first developed in the 60s by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth – is a set of behavioral pattern styles, which according to Bowlby’s attachment theory, stems from your childhood and generally how your parents or family treated you as a child.
Then during adulthood, those learned (social and emotional) behaviors and expectations (aka your attachment style) impact how you choose your friends and romantic partners, engage with others, and maintain your friendships/romantic relationships.
See, we told you. Not entirely your fault.
But before you go telling Susan and Ricky how they were wrong for calling you a failure in friendships, you must further understand how your specific attachment style impacts your life in general (there are different types, obvi).
Let’s get into it.
The Anxious/Preoccupied Attachment Styles
“He’s not talked to me since yesterday. Have I been ghosted? What did I do wrong? Am I not worth love?”
“OMG! Did she just put five exclamations at the end of the text? She’s mad at me. Have I been a bad friend? What’s wrong with me?”
Nothing, boo, you just have an anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
According to PsychCentral, people with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles tend to reach out to their friends and partners more than others and are always looking to hang out more frequently.
Anxious types seek closeness, connection, and constant reassurance from their friendships. This is because they tend to have a more positive view of others than themselves.
They’re clingy/possessive, insecure, distrustful of people, and scared of rejection. They have low self-esteem and a strong inner critic.
Anxious Attachment Styles Childhood
These people’s childhood would probably be characterized by inconsistencies in parental attention, support and responsiveness – utter confusion regarding what to expect from a caregiver.
Their parents/primary caregivers vacillated between providing safety and emotional closeness, offering criticism, an intrusive approach, and controlling behavior.
As a result, they seek approval and deep levels of connection with others. They’re extremely effusive by lavishing others with too much praise (if there’s anything of the sort) and too-frequent communication, which can overwhelm some people.
How To Develop Healthy Relationships As An Anxious Attachment
First and foremost, congrats on becoming a bit more self-aware.
Secondly, breathe. Clearly, this isn’t something you can Thanos away. It’ll take time to learn how to stop projecting your anxious behavior towards others.
Thirdly, it’s all about communication. The only way to ensure healthy friendships as an anxious attachment type is to learn how best to communicate with your tribe. Learn to speak up and be clear about what you need and expect from them.
For instance, it’s totally OK to need some reassurance here and there, but if you don’t communicate that to your partner/friends, it can put a strain on your friendships and create resentment in your relationships. So, speak up, babe. Doing so will do you good, and you’ll stop overthinking everything.
The Avoidant/Dismissive Attachment Style
“Yeeeaahhhh…I can’t do this. Nope, not for me. I’m out. I’m better off alone anyway….”
If you often find yourself curving everybody or not wanting to get attached to anyone – one-offs are your jam; you’re an avoidant attachment type, love.
According to the attachmentproject, avoidant/dismissive-avoidant persons typically have a more positive view of themselves and a more skeptical/cautious or negative view of others. As a result, they tend to guard their feelings, a behavior probably rooted in the desire to safeguard themselves from disappointments, hurt, or even rejection.
Of course, this doesn’t mean they don’t care for their friends. While they might be commitment-phobes, avoidant attachment style types are loyal to their well-vetted friends. However, they typically show their affection in a more ultra-reserved fashion, less demonstrative than secure or anxious attachment types.
But and here’s the catch – things might look a bit different at the beginning of new friendships/connections. You see, avoidant attachment styles like to shower newcomers (in their lives) with attention and are so often the life of the party.
Problems arise when that newness excitement wears off. Instead of lurching onto the new friend, the dismissive-avoidant person will distance themselves (probably complain about feeling “crowded” or “suffocated” by the new friend), and they won’t feel remorse or guilt for distancing themselves.
Avoidant Attachment Styles Childhood
These people grew up around a caregiver who detached or was emotionally unavailable. Their parents or family members weren’t “in tune” with their emotions and may not have been emotionally supportive or responsive.
As a result, these kids become “emotionally unavailable” and distant from their partners and friends. Being unable to develop emotional closeness to a parent as a kid makes it more complex for one to open up or nurture close connections with others as an adult.
How To Form Healthy Relationships As An Avoidant Attachment Style
Allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable in a relationship isn’t easy for anyone – especially for those of us who didn’t experience close emotional bonds are kids.
The good news?
It’s possible to learn how to be more vulnerable in your friendships/relationships with romantic partners -and speaking to a therapist is an excellent place to start if you want to be more open in your relationships.
Secure Attachment Styles
“Although they’ve been quiet for a minute, they’re still my G.”
“You need space? Okay. I’ll be here when you feel better.”
Secure attachment styles recognize their value and are capable of nurturing healthy friendships. They don’t take things personally when their BFFs stand them up because they’re not worried about the stability of the friendships. Due to this, secure attachment styles show love by reaching out to connect and respecting others’ boundaries.
Yes, relationships for securely attached persons might still have ups and downs, but they’re more suited to withstand difficulties that might arise. They can regulate their emotions, meaning it’s easier for them to handle sadness more calmly.
Secure Attachment Styles Childhood
Secure attachment style childhoods consisted of attentive, supportive and consistent caregivers. Their parents and families helped them develop an accurate sense of self and strong self-esteem. They developed a core belief system of worthiness and trust in themselves and others.
As a result, secure attachment types aren’t jealous, possessive, and aren’t distant. They don’t keep checking their phones or email or have to keep texting or phoning to figure out where their friends are because they’re confident in their relationships.
Nonetheless, having a secure attachment doesn’t make you “perfect” – you’re human and will make mistakes in relationships. Your personal experience and history can also affect your behavior, which determines how you act in friendships/relationships.
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