It’s 8.00 pm Friday, and you’re bored and annoyed at a club where your friends roped you into going. You weren’t up for it; you don’t even like Afrobeats, but because you couldn’t just say no, you’re suffering through it as a “good friend does.”
You desperately need a vacation (you’ve been postponing it to accommodate your colleagues’ backlog after they went for a trip to the Bahamas), but somehow, your money-heist-loving brother gets in trouble with the law, and now you have to help him out as a “big sister.”
You don’t like that thing that your snookums does in the bedroom. But since you’ve been single for so long and are scared he might leave you for being so “critical” and “fussy,” you smile away and bear it like “the lucky woman you are to have a man in her life.”
If you feel called out (we don’t hate you, boo), you might suffer from the people-pleasing syndrome. And while there are benefits to being nice (the world surely needs more), for most of us, people-pleasing zaps our energy, peace of mind, and even our hard-earned money. Just ask Beyonce and Jessica Alba. These confidence-oozing powerhouses have opened up about their struggle with saying “No” and the pressure to put others first (because it’s a real struggle).
Lucky for you, we’re here to help.
So, if you often accept wedding invitations knowing that you can’t afford them or have after-work drinks with the most infuriating people at the office (because you’re afraid of being labeled boring), below are some stick-up-for-yourself gems.
But first…
Who Is A People-Pleaser?
The Cambridge dictionary definition of a people pleaser is someone who cares a lot about whether people like them and always wants others to approve of their actions.
People pleasers are often seen as agreeable, kind-hearted, and loyal, but these individuals rarely advocate for their own needs, leading to a harmful pattern of self-neglect. In fact, their people-pleasing behavior leaves them feeling downright indignant and like doormats.
And while it mainly stems from self-esteem issues, people-pleasing behavior has been associated with a personality trait referred to as sociotropy – excessive investment in interpersonal relationships. This trait can be a symptom of mental health issues such as:
- Co-dependency or dependent personality disorder
- Avoidant personality disorder
- Anxious attachment styles
- Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
As for the signs of people-pleasing behaviors, here are some but a few:
Signs You’re A People-Pleaser
Traits associated with people-pleasing behavior include:
- Pushing past boundaries and limits – catering to everyone’s needs except yours
- Feeling inauthentic – not living your life on your own terms
- Disappointing yourself and your values rather than disappointing others
- Emotionally suppressing your feelings for the benefit of others
- Finding it hard to express yourself when people’s actions have hurt you
- Shifting your plans to accommodate those around you without considering how that can affect you
- You’re resentful for not being able to stick up for yourself
- You value people’s stance and expertise over your inner wisdom
- You can’t get yourself to say no to your boss, co-workers, mom, sister, or friends and feel guilty when you do so
- You’re always apologizing for stuff – even when you’re not at fault – just to let the drama die down
- It’s ABC easy to self-abandon and disregard yourself – it’s second nature at this point
- You haven’t had a self-care moment because you’re always catering to other people’s needs
- Your priority is making sure others love you and approve of your existence
- You seek and crave validation or reassurance to regulate your own anxieties or feelings of inadequacies
How To Stop People-Pleasing Behavior
So, what should you do when you find yourself “couch-potatoing” around the people-pleasing sofa more often than you’d like?
Go Easy On Yourself
First and foremost, be gentle with yourself.
It’s not exactly easy to stop being a people pleaser. Recent studies actually show that it’s incredibly challenging to stop people-pleasing behavior since it elevates your cognitive dissonance – discomfort experienced when you do things against your values. Like saying no to your boss or eating a juicy beef burger even though you think cows are dope.
So, rather than beat yourself up for letting things go easy, pat yourself on the back for acknowledging you have a problem. Then, go ahead and use the tips we’re about to rain on you!
Keep A Scorecard
Now that you know you have a people-pleasing problem, the next thing you have to do is absolutely nothing (outward, at least). Go through a week or two, and don’t try changing anything. Just get a notepad and record every sweat-breaking exchange you have with others.
Documenting all the details – what they said, how you responded, and the communications style you used – will help you figure out your people-pleasing patterns and allow you to Monday-morning quarterback effectively.
Choose It Until You Become It
Badass babes like Tearri Mari, Keke Palmer, and Brooke Valentine look like they emerged from the womb taking bullshitters by their cajones. They’re confident, and that confidence allows them to kick the always-looking-for-a-story industry’s butt. Right?
Nope! Or – not necessarily.
According to life coach extraordinaire Nicole Kalil, like your former relationship with Mr. He-Who-Shall-Not-Be Named, the relationship between confidence and assertiveness can be complicated as f**k.
While you might assume you need to be confident to stick up for yourself, you actually need to do the latter first – stand up for yourself to build Beyonce-level confidence.
So, does this mean you should fake it till you make it? Not really. As Nicole eloquently puts it, you have to “choose it until you become it.”
Speak, Articulate Your Words, You Got This!
The most crucial thing to remember when sticking up for yourself is to speak, articulate your words, and just say something, sis.
Don’t let your annoying cousin run you out of your home because she came over one night (after her toxic boyfriend called it quits) and never left. Don’t let your boss force you to do something that doesn’t align with your values just because you’re not the type of lady that issues rejoinders.
Stop waiting for a mic drop moment or the perfect words to describe your annoyance. Just speak! Clumsily speaking your mind is much better than letting people walk all over you!
Add A Little Vitamin N Spice Into Your Life
Let’s take some stick-up-for-yourself vitamins today, shall we?
For the longest time in history, vitamin Y (saying yes) has been dubbed the word of choice by the people-pleasing community, but how about Vitamin N (no)? It’s revitalizing, saves you from attending awkward family gatherings, and gives you major confidence-boosting points.
So, embrace the nos, boo. Protect your boundaries. Safeguard your energy. You’ll be your true friends’ favorite.
Psssttt…if you’re hesitant to say no (it takes time, we understand), try going for a simple “Thanks for thinking of me, Sue. It sounds like a cool plan. I’m just trying to limit my commitments this year to save myself from eating myself. If things change, I’ll holla at you.”
It’s a polite response, somewhat awkward (Sue will be left figuring out how you’re eating yourself. Hell, she might end up appreciating your absence from her baby shower) and anxiety-breaking (you’ll feel at peace with yourself).
Avoid “Softening” Bolder Statements
Yeah, we don’t kneecap our sentences here, boo! Those “a little bits,” “kind ofs,” and “maybes” shouldn’t be in your vocabulary.
“That sort of bothers me a little bit.” You damn well know it does – from deep within. So say it like it is. And if you’re not there yet, writing out your sentences beforehand can help cut the softening and leave them lean and brawny, kneecaps intact.
Sorry? Oh No! Sorry Not Sorry
All pathological apologizers, hands up! We are a collective and probably need our own AA (Apologizers Anonymous) sessions at this point because, lawd, do we need redemption from the shackles of apologizing. Like right now, I feel terrible and apologetic for using the term AA – it might come off as insensitive to some people?? Yeah, that’s how bad it is.
For most of us, saying sorry, even when we’re not in the wrong, helps us avoid conflict (which we’re allergic to) and “maintain our friendships.” But what good is a fake friendship? And is conflict really that bad?
So, take a breath, embrace Demi Lovato’s “Sorry, Not Sorry” energy, and then walk away (if it gets too awkward). That’s the only way to stop people-pleasing.
Embrace The Awkwardness
For most, people-pleasing comes from the need to ease the intense discomfort of abandonment, judgment, rejection, or feeling less-than-perfect. However, like squats and lunges, if you don’t feel the burn, you’re not doing it right. Sitting with that unnatural and clunky feeling takes you out of your comfort and makes you a better you.
FYI, a little rehearsing in front of your bathroom mirror can help lessen the discomfort and make you more prepared. But honestly, things will feel weird for a while, and that’s okay.
Also, you have to get comfortable with people’s reactions to your newfound freedom. They’ll get mad, look at you differently and even claim you treat them less than (gaslighting, hello), but it’s not a crime to stick up to yourself. And if people get mad for that, guurrrlll, they should style up, not you.
Yes, it’s scary to lose friends, your $$$-paying job, or be termed a “nasty and boastful woman,” but when you think about it, it’s Michael Myers-level horrifying to be people’s doormat.
Focus On The Bigger Picture
Have you ever been so giddy about a vacation, then two days to D-da,y something comes up and deters all your plans? Same here, sis. And that’s what happens with most things in life.
You’re about to crack the parenting code, then out-of-the-blue your 16-year-old daughter makes you question your life’s worth as a mom. You’re about to pull off a three-point turn on your people-pleasing behaviors, and then your gaslighting boyfriend uses James Bond-worthy diversionary tactics that pull you off your track.
You requested him to put the dishes in the dishwasher for you after he’s done entertaining his friends. And rather than take five minutes of his PS-playing a**, Mr. replies, “Wow! Are you trying to call me messy? That’s freakin’ rich! Have you seen the dressing table after you apply all your Macs and Maybellines?”
Those comments? That’s a diversionary tactic – gaslighting at its best. Don’t swallow it, boo! If you listen to that nonsense, you’ll cede control and allow your people-pleasing self to yank you off your mission.
Instead, tell them, “We can discuss my messy a** later, but right now, the dishes.” Or you can dress up and go for a glass of wine with your girls. It’s all about focusing on your goal like a sniper.
Practice Makes Perfect
You won’t flip the script overnight, but you can become a badass at living authentically with continuous improvements.
If you watched Girlfriends (or re-watched it a hundred times, we won’t judge you, promise), Jones identified as a people pleaser. But after going to therapy and working out some issues, she took charge of her own life and became a badass bih.
And if you’re worried you’re going to relapse, get yourself an accountability partner or use one of these mini pep talks (post them on your bathroom mirror or as your phone’s background image):
- No is a complete sentence
- I’m allowed to say no
- Not my circus, not my monkeys
- Because I don’t want to is a legit answer
- I don’t have to explain myself to anyone
Also, keep a confidence file. Keep a list on your phone of all the tips you’ve been using to stop people-pleasing behavior. Every time you need a confidence boost, refer to it!
