The average person doesn’t sum up their habits and beliefs into a “lifestyle”, but when you get down to our day-to-day to lives—no matter if you deliberately curate and organize your daily or weekly activities or not—a lifestyle is exactly what it is.
And for many of us, the way we live can truly be less than ideal more often than not. Sure, none of us are immune to the more difficult aspects of life, but if we keep it real, some of us are down and out a little bit more than others.
Overworked, underpaid, looking for love in all the wrong places, fake friends—you name it, we got it going on. And for a lot of us, we have more than one of those struggles happening at the same time. Yikes.
That’s why so many of the new lifestyle trends you’re seeing all over Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube have a lot to do with deciding simply not to struggle. Loads of women are wandering around calling themselves soft girls or saying, “I don’t dream of labor.”
And while it sounds totally idealistic, once you get past all of the fluff, they do make some really valid points about how we romanticize hardship on our personal journeys.
Still not completely clear on wtf is going on? No prob. Here’s a super quick breakdown of 3 of social media’s most popular lifestyle trends and how you can (realistically) try them out.
Soft Girl Era
Black women have a topsy-turvy relationship with identity and representation. When you think of the ways we are seen in the workplace, the media, social situations, and even within our own communities, some heavy things are projected onto us. Bitter, angry, longsuffering, overworked, misunderstood—everything but soft.
Aesthetically speaking, a “soft girl era” is all about embracing everything that is traditionally feminine. I’m talking about wearing different pastel shades all at once, faux furs, glitter, florals—big “going to a summer garden party” vibes all the time.
But more than that, entering a soft girl era as a black woman positions itself as clear opposition to the angry, divisive, overly-independent trope we are so often inundated with when we do absolutely anything but be quiet. Of course, promoting the idea of being a soft girl as some sort of resistance to misogynoir is met with the fair criticism that black women shouldn’t have to present in any particular way to be seen as complex human beings deserving of empathy and understanding.
However, the more well-rounded take on entering a soft girl phase of life is all about allowing yourself the space to feel loved, peaceful, vulnerable, and safe—even if you’re the only one championing this version of life for yourself. So how does one accomplish this, well, a few ways:
- Relax. Unclench your jaw, unfurl your eyebrows, and breathe deeply. Do not integrate stress into your life so much that it becomes your default setting for existence. Give yourself the space to just be in your mind, body, and soul—no pressure.
- Focus on what you enjoy more. We don’t often prioritize hobbies and interests because we see them as little luxuries and privileges. But the reality is, the things we like and love to do, actually do help keep us centered mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Yes, even things like Netflix and a solid Spotify playlist can be therapeutic, sometimes. Turn it on and chill out.
- No. Sometimes the softest thing we can do is erect hard boundaries. Say “no” more often if it means protecting your peace and creating more space in your life to say “yes” to the things you actually want. With love, start telling everyone where to go (Hint: It’s far away from you).
Black Women In Luxury
Can you think of a time when you stopped yourself from taking or experiencing something you know you deserved? I mean, this overwhelming feeling of guilt and discomfort truly made you believe that you weren’t deserving of something that you knew damn well was yours for the taking? This is just one of many examples of a scarcity mindset. If you don’t know, a scarcity mindset is when you’re focused on the lack of something, opposed to the positive possibility and abundance of it.
It’s when you see a dress you like, and you have more than enough money to buy it, but you come up with a million and one reasons why you shouldn’t. Or you finally went on that vacation you’ve been dreaming of, but now you don’t have the right hairstyle to get into the water, or did you see that menu? Chile, too expensive.
You are so focused on what you can’t and shouldn’t do in life, that you are missing out on all of the can and should dos! The “Black Girl Luxury” movement completely challenges black women to not only envision themselves living out grand experiences, but to actually go out and do it!
This isn’t about being reckless with your spending or living a life that’s beyond your current means. Rather, it’s embracing the idea that you are entitled to the same luxuries as everyone else and shouldn’t shy away from diving deep into eating good, looking good, and feeling good.
Oh, but here comes the reality—we are not all ballin’ out of control. So here are some ways to be a black girl in luxury, realistically:
- Expose yourself to more black women living alternative lifestyles. There is an abundance of black women out there traveling regularly, buying up all the designer goods, owning property, being a stay at home mom in a mansion—living out many different forms of luxury. The more you expose yourself to black women living out their dreams, the easier it is for you to accept that you deserve luxury, too.
- Luxury is different for everyone. Don’t go broke trying to mimic someone else’s life—do what works for you in the moment and keep dreaming for better in the future. Fly first class, buy some higher thread count sheets for your bed, save money for the best hotel next time you travel. Whatever luxury can be for you right now, embrace it! Stay grateful, stay positive, and stay hopeful.
“I Don’t Dream of Labor”.
Remember when we were kids and all the adults asked us what our dream jobs would be when we grew up? We’d say things like astronauts, doctors, movie stars, and even marine biologists. But when you ask the teens and young 20-somethings of our time what they dream of doing for work? Baby, they don’t dream of labor.
On the surface level, this sounds like a collective admittance of laziness. However, when you look beyond the initial intrigue of the saying, it’s really an incredibly smart antithesis to grind culture and the questionably romanticised idea of having a job that we actually dream of doing.
And when I say “grind culture”, you know exactly what I’m referring to. The Instagram quotes telling you that there are #NoDaysOff or that you’ll “sleep when you’re dead.” Or Girl Boss this, and empowerment brunch that. It’s all of the people and things that push us to align our identities with money, social status, and career achievement so much so, that we have no choice but to adopt a lifestyle where we are constantly working ourselves into the ground just to say we did it.
Another aspect of not dreaming of labor is simply saying no to overextending yourself in your 9-5 jobs. The people you work with are not your “work family” and you can quite easily be fired and replaced—so prioritize your real friends and family, mental and emotional wellness, and whatever else you care about before your job.
Sounds easy enough, right? Here’s the zinger: It’s not. Some of us don’t have the time or resources to feed into this overly idealistic stance against labor, so the idea that we can just pick up a lifestyle where we live happily and don’t stress on work is not going to happen for the vast majority of us.
However, the movement does make some points and can be done in a few realistic ways:
- Grind culture? Please. Get some rest, eat a balanced diet, move your body, and regularly have some fun. You’ll be more focused and productive because of it, not in spite of it.
- Having a “dream job” isn’t just a trick to get you to love hard labor. The fact is, most of us will have to work for what we want. And if enjoying what you do for a living helps lift the weight of obligation and responsibility off your shoulders, go on and dream.
- Don’t dream of labor, dream of purpose. Learning, growing, helping others, making a difference, being a positive influence—that’s why we do it, right? No one dreams of pencil pushing at a desk all day, but maybe those files you deal with will help a hungry family or close a deal on someone’s dream home. Find a purpose in what you do and it’ll make dreaming feel a lot more practical and safe.