As a woman who’s been on the receiving end of backhanded compliments, ‘You’re way too smart for a light-skinned chic!’ and ‘OMG! You’re really pretty for a big girl!’ Uh, what’s that supposed to mean, Liam? Are big girls not supposed to be pretty?
If you’re not familiar, this shitty behavior is called negging, a toxic, manipulative, and emotionally abusive behavior that consists of an individual insulting you and undermining your confidence as a twisted and sick way to make you vulnerable (lower your self-esteem really) to their romantic advances.
It goes without saying that it’s one seriously effed-up behavior that you need to be aware of – and if you understand what it’s all about, how to spot it in your partner, and how to put a stop to it, you can finally lead a happier life and be loved healthier and rightfully.
What Is Negging?
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Simply put, negging is verbal emotional abuse. It’s a manipulation technique used to lower a person’s self-esteem and confidence. But it’s subtle.
The reason this shitty behavior is notoriously hard to spot is because it’s done under the guise of flirting. The idea is that by subtly insulting the individual you’re ‘interested in’ or ‘flirting’ with, you’ll undermine their confidence, making them eager to change your opinion of them and win your approval. It’s sneaky, very sneaky, and outright disgusting.
And while the behavior has been primarily associated with men (Bye Filipe highlights male examples of negging), it’s not only a guys-only behavior. Hundreds of women also neg their partners to keep them interested and hooked.
But no matter your gender identity negging is disgusting and seriously shitty behavior. So, if you’re concerned that your significant other or potential partner is guilty of this confidence-breaking and controlling behavior, here are six signs someone is negging you, according to the internet.
How To Spot Negging
In a time where comic perversions (that one episode in SVU), sarcastic jibes, and witty quips are the norm, negging can be challenging to spot.
Nonetheless, there is a difference between a flirty poke and a baneful neg. Below are signs your potential partner is negging you:
Backhanded Compliments
If schools offered flirting 101 courses, complimenting would be the program’s foundation. Why? Because people just don’t seem to get it.
There’s a significant difference between compliments and backhanded compliments.
A: A compliment is a genuine and polite expression of praise and admiration – one that’s particularly noteworthy, positive, and special. The keyword here is genuine and polite.
B: A backhanded compliment isn’t a compliment. It’s just an insult wrapped up in glitter. It is a statement said with the same tone as a compliment but actually puts you down.
Examples of such statements:
• Wow, you’re interesting or intelligent. I never expected that.
• You can be so beautiful when you put makeup on.
• I don’t usually date your type – short, tall, Black, Brown, Latino, etc. – but I’ll make an exception for you.
• You know you’re really pretty for a dark-skinned girl. You know you’re really pretty for a big girl.
• You look amazing. I guess today you finally made an effort.
• I’d never have the courage to wear that.
By pointing out the negative, the (neggee) focuses on the flaw and tries to fix it to gain (the negger’s) approval.
Constant Criticism
Constructive criticism, whether in the office or in a relationship, is good. Depending on your way of receivership, it can be the gateway to you becoming the best version of yourself. But the intent needs to be constructive.
But when a negger offers constructive criticism, the intent isn’t to help or positively challenge, but it’s intended to hurt. These individuals over-criticize you in the most demoralizing and degrading manner, with an aim to belittle you or control you, your actions, and how you view yourself and the world.
Examples of negging criticisms:
• A haircut would really balance out how asymmetrical your face is.
• It’s best if girls with dark skin don’t wear red lipstick (we all heard that one).
• People with your hair shade shouldn’t be caught wearing bright colors.
• You know, you’d look really sexy and more beautiful if you lost 20 pounds.
• If I were you, I’d stop wearing short dresses. Long dresses make you look more wifey.
They Insult You And Dress It Up As A ‘Question’
With negging, a question isn’t usually a question your date or partner expects an answer to. Instead, the question is a subtle means to express disapproval or disdain.
Examples of such:
• Do you think you should eat that piece of chicken?
• Are you sure you need dessert?
• Orange, really, with your skin tone?
These questions imply that your partner or date thinks your decision is JUST WRONG. If the tone isn’t right and the wording of the question implies your original choice is ‘wrong,’ you’re being negged.
Constant Comparison
It’s common for a negger to compare you to someone else (most likely their ex or an individual they seem to believe is superior to you). Even if they’re doing it in a manner that makes it seem like you come out on top, the intention here is to make you feel inferior and embarrassed.
Sometimes these comparisons are as blatant as, ‘You’re no Rihanna, but you are pretty!’ Or, ‘Well done on getting that promotion. It’s still a shame you can’t or don’t warn as much as I do.’
Other times, it can be as subtle as ‘You’re hilarious. Almost as hilarious as Loni Love. Or, ‘You’re almost as smart as my ex.’
They’re Always Just Joking When You Call Them On It
Joking is usually the ultimate excuse when you try to call a negger on it. It can never be their fault that you don’t find the ‘joke’ funny. Or that you ‘don’t have a sense of humor,’ right?
Here are some negging examples:
• You’re too sensitive
• I was just teasing. You know me
• Where’s your sense of humor?
• Lighten up!
• Wow, I really can’t say anything without you taking it negatively, huh? – yeah, they even end up gaslighting you.
You Crave Their Approval
The main objective of negging is to undermine your confidence and self-esteem. It’s a sneaky way for your date or partner to gain control of everything in the relationship and make you start to seek their approval subconsciously.
If you often find yourself relying on your S.O.’s approval – on everything from what you wear, to what you eat, where you go, and even your hairstyles –to feel secure and approved/accepted in the relationship, that’s a sign (scratch that, a billboard) that your partner is guilty of negging.
They’re a negger!
Why People Neg
Negging is born out of toxic masculinity or femininity. People who neg others often operate under the assumption that everyone else isn’t worthy of respect. They view others as objects to be manipulated for their amusement or gain.
For instance, the pickup artist or Tinder Swindler community encourages men to aggressively assert themselves over women, claiming entitlement to sexual success and rewards. It’s misogyny in its purest form.
It’s presented as the ultimate fail-safe flirting technique because it ‘softens up’ women and positions the negger as the only person who can make them feel better and build them back up.
But in reality, the neggers, those who constantly put others down, are often the ones who are insecure about themselves and see this behavior as their only solution – the only way they can get some action or flirt their way into others’ lives.
How To Respond To Negging
You’ve come to the conclusion that your partner has been negging you. Now what?
First, we’re sorry. You don’t deserve it.
Secondly, how you respond ultimately depends on how long you’ve been dating them, if you want to keep dating them, and how often it’s been happening.
If you just met the person or gone on a handful of dates, a confrontation doesn’t seem worth your time or energy. Ending things would be the best solution. Remember the qualities you want in a partner? Do they possess them? Do you want to be with a person that makes you feel worthless? Hell no!
So, X them immediately.
If they’re not someone close to you (meaning you don’t care about them), ignore them. Or you could say your peace and walk away. But remember, you don’t need to prove a point to anyone.
If you’ve been dating them for a minute (over six months) and want to keep dating them, you should confront them ASAP. Speak your mind, stand up for yourself, and tell them their words hurt.
To do this, you can say something like:
• ‘Remember at the restaurant when you asked me if I was sure if I wanted dessert? I didn’t appreciate that. I am a big girl, and yes, I know I keep saying I want to lose a few pounds, but that doesn’t give you a warranty to make me feel bad about my food choices. It made me feel horrible.’
• Babe, I know sarcasm is a big part of how we communicate and express love, but recently, your comments have felt a lot more hurtful than funny. I will start pointing out when your comments cross the line.’
• ‘I love receiving compliments. It’s my love language. But recently, your compliments have been more backhanded, and they hurt my feelings. Can I ask you to be more mindful about your remarks?’
If the negger is receptive to it, that’s fantastic.
But if they respond to your confrontation with more abusive behavior (like gaslighting or physical violence), you need to reconsider being with them, sis! It might not be easy, but your feelings matter. And you need to leave that toxic environment. Because no one, absolutely no one, deserves to have a partner who puts them down rather than lift them up.
It isn’t and should never be your responsibility to change someone’s abusive behavior, but you can and should make it clear that what they’re doing is not OK.
